June

I can't begin to tell you how horrible that month was.  I tried very hard to stay optimistic and it was so so so tiring.  I don't believe I slept because I was just so worried.  Our bank account had been negative, our phones almost shut off,   so many declined purchases that go through on a regular basis through paypal, not having the gas money to go places other than work, seriously, I could go on but I won't.

Here we are in July and the light is shining through that very small tunnel.  I am so grateful Chris was able to find a job where he makes more money than the last one and we were able to get out of that debt hole quickly.  My heart just hurts for people who struggle weekly.  I can't imagine what it would be like if we didn't live with my parents.  I am so grateful for them. 

This is basically my gratitude post.  We have $8.67 in our account...before I would've cried when I saw that number but now I am just so grateful there isn't a negative sign in front of it. 

What in the...?

I am so horrible at blogging!!  I have a million things I wanna say and never actually sit down to say them!  I swore I would blog this year and let's see...we're in June.  Yikes.  I need to set an alarm on my phone or something. 

Well, Christian is now two and is terrible.  He is all over the place and touches EVERYTHING!!  I know this is part of him learning and the natural curiosity of a toddler but it drives me nuts some days.  He knows it too...

These are his two year old pictures.  Oh my heck, his hair is a hot mess.  I can't even begin to tell you how much gel I put into it and that hair would not lay down.  We are still letting it grow out.  I don't care how horrible it looks in the process and he seems to like it.  When I shaved his head he was pretty upset but got used to it. 

The last month/month and a half has been really rough.  Chris lost his job that was barely making our bills.  He was unfortunately fired during a payweek and only received half of a check basically.  Luckily, he was able to find another job quickly but started work there on a payweek.  We had to live off of $50 for 3 weeks after we paid  bills that couldn't be ignored.  We are behind definitely.  I know that slowly will be okay again but the waiting is killing me. Living with my parents has been a blessing.  I don't know how we would make it otherwise.  I definitely miss having funds in our savings account to get us through tough times but we completely used all of it when Chris got out of the Navy. 

Which brings me to my next point...Chris still hasn't received a single cent of BAH from the GI Bill.  We were really hoping to pay off our computer, pay for my doula training and save for a vacation this year.  However, that hasn't been possible at all and we just keep getting the run around from the school veteran's department; who tell us to just keep waiting.  SO FRUSTRATING! 

I know it will get better, everything does.  This has truly reminded me to value what I do have and be grateful for all of it and to remember that I am better off than a lot of people.  It really puts things in perspective. 

attempting to accept what you cannot change

today while i was at my cloth diaper group meetup a few things were said that made me think.  since i have started reading things to become a doula, i've become acutely aware of how much of a stupid pregnant girl i was.  i listened and did everything my doctor said without an ounce of hesitation or question.  i really do believe that had i been more educated about pregnancy and birth on my end, i wouldn't have had a csection.  there are many days were i am sad or feel less than that i did not have my child "naturally".  yes i still birthed my child from my body and it doesn't make my birth any less than or more than to any other birth.  i listened to this mother talk about the devastation of being induced while in my head all i could think was, you at least had the chance to labor. i didn't feel her grief or attempt to sympathize with her, even though i didn't have the labor i had wished for either.  i know some people might call me crazy but i do wish i could have experienced at least active labor.  my body doesn't know more than a few braxton hicks contractions.  i hope that i can have my vaginal birth one day.  i know i need to accept that i cannot change what happened that day.  i should just be grateful that my baby boy was healthy and so was i.  i'm sure one day i will and hopefully it is soon. 

the no poo

so i attempted the no poo movement.  no poo doesn't mean i have stopped releasing my bowels, i have stopped using shampoo.  i did it for about two weeks.  the first time i used the baking soda paste and apple cider vinegar rinse felt awesome.  my scalp was tingly and didn't smell like easter.

a few more uses and my hair got super gross.  i don't think that baking soda and acv rinses are for people with super thick/wavy hair like mine.  i started getting really bad flaky scalp.  i did what any reasonable person does and googled the cause.  i decided a natural thing to do would be to rub some coconut oil on my scalp and all that did was make me break out all over my face when i had just gotten to a super awesome point with my skin. 

all in all it wasn't for me (or chris, he hated it).  i went to my stylist and got my hurr did.  the shampoo felt awesome.  my hair doesn't feel like like straw anymore either so that's super nice.  we are still using castile soap for a lot of other things but the baking soda is outta here. 

in case you are wondering what did here you go:

2 tablespoons of baking soda
water
(optional a few drops of TTO)

mix enough water with the baking soda to make a paste and scrub your scalp with it.  let it sit for a few minutes and rinse THOROUGHLY

equal parts of apple cider vinegar and water...dump on your head and leave for a few mins then rinse.

you can add oils or what not to make it smell better but i really didn't mind the "smell"

You will blog

I know I have said it before and here I am saying it again....I WILL blog this year.  More often and hopefully constant.  Since we finally have a real computer and I am finding myself with more time, rants, annoyances, obsessions, crafts, stories, etc.  This NEEDS to happen. 

This will be my outlet from now on.  I am choosing not to bottle anything up anymore and if people don't like my opinions, views or where they stem from that's too bad.

I'm not gonna lie, I will probably get on your nerves, offend you, hopefully make you smile, think, maybe even cry.  =)  I will try my hardest to not have ridiculous run on sentences like I am today.  I will also be going on about my journey in becoming a doula.  I hopefully get to take my first workshop class next month and will be at my first birth as a doula in July (maybe sooner or later). 

Transitioning

September 19, 2011-Chris is out of the Navy. 

September 30, 2011- Roommate claims a landlord issue and we have to move out ASAP.

October 1, 2011-Pack all day

October 2, 2011- Start driving to SLC

October 3, 2011-Leave SLC and drive to AZ

October 4, 2011- Arrive in AZ


It has been interesting to say the very least.  For the past four years we have been used to a steady paycheck, deployments, insurance, Chris coming and going at a certain time, and the benefits of being a military family. All of those things are now gone and we are adjusting roughly (me anyway because I am the stressed out nutjob of our marriage).  We have been living off of our savings which wasn't a lot to begin with and the unexpected expense of moving back to Arizona took a chunk.  I will forever be grateful to my brother in law who lent us the gas money to drive home with.  As well as my friend Amanda that watched Christian an entire day for us so we could pack everything we owned into storage and what we could fit in our car.

I wish the Navy had better prepared us for the transition.  Chris went to a class that was supposed to help him learn to adjust to the "civilian world" but basically they handed a ton of websites to him and said thanks for serving.  Chris received a Navy Appreciation Medal the week he got out so that was pretty cool.  It was for all of his work in Iraq and Italy a few months back.  I am happy that he got a medal for all of that, he did miss pretty much his son's entire first year of life.

Which brings me to my next part of our transitional phase in life.  When Chris left, Christian was a little just turned 5 months old baby and he came home to a crawling, stumbling, talking, toddler who was then 14 months old.  They are still getting used to each other.  They love one another beyond reason, I know that.  Christian will still ask for "mama" non stop if I am gone for more than two hours. The longest they have lived together since Christian was born has been about a month.  Now they are always around each other and the frustration is there.

I have no idea where I am going with this blog post other than to just vent and to remind myself that "Jah will provide" as Chris likes to say.  My life has taken a huge change this past month, we went from a steady income and home to being unemployed and living with my parents.  Although it's not the ideal situation, I have a roof over my head, my son is  healthy and our bellies are not empty. 

acceptance

People are like stained glass windows: they sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light within.

- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Most times, I am a bit much for people.  I am very loud in my looks and also my speech.  I say words I shouldn't but I can't help myself.  Lately, acceptance of myself has been a pretty big deal.  I normally don't care and couldn't care less what people think of me but I've been giving it a lot of thought lately.  I feel like Christian and other children definitely learn by example and for me to teach something as important as self acceptance, I need to be an incredible example of it.  I will throw any looks aside.  I won't care what people say.  I will hold my head high and walk proudly of who I am, faults and all.  I am an amazing person and everyone should know it! LOL!!  (maybe that was a bit much.)

I just want Christian to believe he is the light and the change he wants to see in the world.  He is the deciding factor in his happiness.  My wish is that every parent instills this in their child.  Every child at any age deserves to hear from their parent that they are loved and that their parents accept them for who they are and that they are proud of them.