June

I can't begin to tell you how horrible that month was.  I tried very hard to stay optimistic and it was so so so tiring.  I don't believe I slept because I was just so worried.  Our bank account had been negative, our phones almost shut off,   so many declined purchases that go through on a regular basis through paypal, not having the gas money to go places other than work, seriously, I could go on but I won't.

Here we are in July and the light is shining through that very small tunnel.  I am so grateful Chris was able to find a job where he makes more money than the last one and we were able to get out of that debt hole quickly.  My heart just hurts for people who struggle weekly.  I can't imagine what it would be like if we didn't live with my parents.  I am so grateful for them. 

This is basically my gratitude post.  We have $8.67 in our account...before I would've cried when I saw that number but now I am just so grateful there isn't a negative sign in front of it. 

What in the...?

I am so horrible at blogging!!  I have a million things I wanna say and never actually sit down to say them!  I swore I would blog this year and let's see...we're in June.  Yikes.  I need to set an alarm on my phone or something. 

Well, Christian is now two and is terrible.  He is all over the place and touches EVERYTHING!!  I know this is part of him learning and the natural curiosity of a toddler but it drives me nuts some days.  He knows it too...

These are his two year old pictures.  Oh my heck, his hair is a hot mess.  I can't even begin to tell you how much gel I put into it and that hair would not lay down.  We are still letting it grow out.  I don't care how horrible it looks in the process and he seems to like it.  When I shaved his head he was pretty upset but got used to it. 

The last month/month and a half has been really rough.  Chris lost his job that was barely making our bills.  He was unfortunately fired during a payweek and only received half of a check basically.  Luckily, he was able to find another job quickly but started work there on a payweek.  We had to live off of $50 for 3 weeks after we paid  bills that couldn't be ignored.  We are behind definitely.  I know that slowly will be okay again but the waiting is killing me. Living with my parents has been a blessing.  I don't know how we would make it otherwise.  I definitely miss having funds in our savings account to get us through tough times but we completely used all of it when Chris got out of the Navy. 

Which brings me to my next point...Chris still hasn't received a single cent of BAH from the GI Bill.  We were really hoping to pay off our computer, pay for my doula training and save for a vacation this year.  However, that hasn't been possible at all and we just keep getting the run around from the school veteran's department; who tell us to just keep waiting.  SO FRUSTRATING! 

I know it will get better, everything does.  This has truly reminded me to value what I do have and be grateful for all of it and to remember that I am better off than a lot of people.  It really puts things in perspective. 

attempting to accept what you cannot change

today while i was at my cloth diaper group meetup a few things were said that made me think.  since i have started reading things to become a doula, i've become acutely aware of how much of a stupid pregnant girl i was.  i listened and did everything my doctor said without an ounce of hesitation or question.  i really do believe that had i been more educated about pregnancy and birth on my end, i wouldn't have had a csection.  there are many days were i am sad or feel less than that i did not have my child "naturally".  yes i still birthed my child from my body and it doesn't make my birth any less than or more than to any other birth.  i listened to this mother talk about the devastation of being induced while in my head all i could think was, you at least had the chance to labor. i didn't feel her grief or attempt to sympathize with her, even though i didn't have the labor i had wished for either.  i know some people might call me crazy but i do wish i could have experienced at least active labor.  my body doesn't know more than a few braxton hicks contractions.  i hope that i can have my vaginal birth one day.  i know i need to accept that i cannot change what happened that day.  i should just be grateful that my baby boy was healthy and so was i.  i'm sure one day i will and hopefully it is soon. 

the no poo

so i attempted the no poo movement.  no poo doesn't mean i have stopped releasing my bowels, i have stopped using shampoo.  i did it for about two weeks.  the first time i used the baking soda paste and apple cider vinegar rinse felt awesome.  my scalp was tingly and didn't smell like easter.

a few more uses and my hair got super gross.  i don't think that baking soda and acv rinses are for people with super thick/wavy hair like mine.  i started getting really bad flaky scalp.  i did what any reasonable person does and googled the cause.  i decided a natural thing to do would be to rub some coconut oil on my scalp and all that did was make me break out all over my face when i had just gotten to a super awesome point with my skin. 

all in all it wasn't for me (or chris, he hated it).  i went to my stylist and got my hurr did.  the shampoo felt awesome.  my hair doesn't feel like like straw anymore either so that's super nice.  we are still using castile soap for a lot of other things but the baking soda is outta here. 

in case you are wondering what did here you go:

2 tablespoons of baking soda
water
(optional a few drops of TTO)

mix enough water with the baking soda to make a paste and scrub your scalp with it.  let it sit for a few minutes and rinse THOROUGHLY

equal parts of apple cider vinegar and water...dump on your head and leave for a few mins then rinse.

you can add oils or what not to make it smell better but i really didn't mind the "smell"

You will blog

I know I have said it before and here I am saying it again....I WILL blog this year.  More often and hopefully constant.  Since we finally have a real computer and I am finding myself with more time, rants, annoyances, obsessions, crafts, stories, etc.  This NEEDS to happen. 

This will be my outlet from now on.  I am choosing not to bottle anything up anymore and if people don't like my opinions, views or where they stem from that's too bad.

I'm not gonna lie, I will probably get on your nerves, offend you, hopefully make you smile, think, maybe even cry.  =)  I will try my hardest to not have ridiculous run on sentences like I am today.  I will also be going on about my journey in becoming a doula.  I hopefully get to take my first workshop class next month and will be at my first birth as a doula in July (maybe sooner or later). 

Transitioning

September 19, 2011-Chris is out of the Navy. 

September 30, 2011- Roommate claims a landlord issue and we have to move out ASAP.

October 1, 2011-Pack all day

October 2, 2011- Start driving to SLC

October 3, 2011-Leave SLC and drive to AZ

October 4, 2011- Arrive in AZ


It has been interesting to say the very least.  For the past four years we have been used to a steady paycheck, deployments, insurance, Chris coming and going at a certain time, and the benefits of being a military family. All of those things are now gone and we are adjusting roughly (me anyway because I am the stressed out nutjob of our marriage).  We have been living off of our savings which wasn't a lot to begin with and the unexpected expense of moving back to Arizona took a chunk.  I will forever be grateful to my brother in law who lent us the gas money to drive home with.  As well as my friend Amanda that watched Christian an entire day for us so we could pack everything we owned into storage and what we could fit in our car.

I wish the Navy had better prepared us for the transition.  Chris went to a class that was supposed to help him learn to adjust to the "civilian world" but basically they handed a ton of websites to him and said thanks for serving.  Chris received a Navy Appreciation Medal the week he got out so that was pretty cool.  It was for all of his work in Iraq and Italy a few months back.  I am happy that he got a medal for all of that, he did miss pretty much his son's entire first year of life.

Which brings me to my next part of our transitional phase in life.  When Chris left, Christian was a little just turned 5 months old baby and he came home to a crawling, stumbling, talking, toddler who was then 14 months old.  They are still getting used to each other.  They love one another beyond reason, I know that.  Christian will still ask for "mama" non stop if I am gone for more than two hours. The longest they have lived together since Christian was born has been about a month.  Now they are always around each other and the frustration is there.

I have no idea where I am going with this blog post other than to just vent and to remind myself that "Jah will provide" as Chris likes to say.  My life has taken a huge change this past month, we went from a steady income and home to being unemployed and living with my parents.  Although it's not the ideal situation, I have a roof over my head, my son is  healthy and our bellies are not empty. 

acceptance

People are like stained glass windows: they sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light within.

- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Most times, I am a bit much for people.  I am very loud in my looks and also my speech.  I say words I shouldn't but I can't help myself.  Lately, acceptance of myself has been a pretty big deal.  I normally don't care and couldn't care less what people think of me but I've been giving it a lot of thought lately.  I feel like Christian and other children definitely learn by example and for me to teach something as important as self acceptance, I need to be an incredible example of it.  I will throw any looks aside.  I won't care what people say.  I will hold my head high and walk proudly of who I am, faults and all.  I am an amazing person and everyone should know it! LOL!!  (maybe that was a bit much.)

I just want Christian to believe he is the light and the change he wants to see in the world.  He is the deciding factor in his happiness.  My wish is that every parent instills this in their child.  Every child at any age deserves to hear from their parent that they are loved and that their parents accept them for who they are and that they are proud of them.

that year went so fast!

May 23rd, 2010..this is what I was doing. I hated taking the maternity pictures. I felt incredibly awkward and huge. Most of the time was spent yelling at Chris and making smart remarks. Fast forward to Christian's first birthday and I am beyond grateful that these were taken. Christian had an amazing birthday celebration extravaganza! The first party consisted of family and a few friends at our their home. There was amazing food, a wonderful cake (that was made by the same lady who made our wedding cake), pinata and presents of course! Christian had so much fun and loved all of his presents. His second party was at a place that Chris found called Makutu's Island. It was wonderful! I really loved it. Chris picked the location since he wasn't going to be home for the party like we had originally hoped. Christian's friends and family attended and he loved trying pizza. His favorite was trying fruit punch. He's never had a super sweet drink before and I figured since it was his birthday I would go ahead and allow it.

My little zombie amazes me beyond words. He will point to his toes and say toes. He claps when he falls and cheers at soccer games and says GOAL!. He's willing to share (most times). He loves to dance. Toy Story 3 is the most amazing movie he has ever seen. Bananas are his favorite food ever. He gives the best hugs I have ever received. He plays so gently with his kitten.

I can't wait for him to keep growing and learning more. He makes me such a better person and I love him so much for that. I can't wait for his Daddy to see what an awesome little guy he is!

On Being A Hippy..

I quite enjoy it. My husband says I am a hippy or "weird". I prefer herbal remedies/water/sleep over medication. I love trying to "green" our lives. I actually like recycling. I believe that is from my grandfather. On the weekends, we'd wake up early and look for aluminum cans. We'd take them home, clean the super gross ones with the hose, crush them, bag them and then take them to the recycling center. I LOVED GETTING MY LITTLE BIT OF MONEY! Maybe this incentive of money is what taught me to love recycling, who knows. I recently started cloth diapering our son. I cannot believe that I didn't start sooner and that I was so grossed out by it. It is a daunting task if you are using prefolds and not a pocket or AIO diaper. I find it very rewarding though. I know I am doing my part for the environment. I have also started trying to re lactate again. It is tiring and definitely time consuming. However, I know that some breast milk is better than none. I wish I had known what I know now about breastfeeding and how it all works. I am 100% positive I would have never stopped.

Something new in our lives...

Chris and I are talking about getting pregnant later this year. I know it's "too soon" for some people but I think I would much rather have my kids close in age than spread so far apart. My sister and I are 12 years apart. Huge age gap, it is very hard to deal with sometimes.

I also LOVE LOVE LOVE my kindle. =)

the modification of me

i will tell you now, i am not a great writer. i very rarely use capitalization or correct punctuation...so deal with that.

my life was "modified" on may 30th of last year. suddenly, everything changed. for the better of course. i really do believe my son was and IS my saving grace.

today i found myself looking up good deals on clothes, home made baby food recipes, cloth diapering tips, and a time line on baby's first's. i watched sprout, crawled all over the floor, cleaned up puke that i still don't really know if it was christian or the dog, had my hair ripped out, my scar picked at, and i was bit..not by the dog. the best part was all of this was before noon.

if we go back before i was pregnant. i wouldn't be awake yet, i'm most likely hungover, i'll wake up and a have "breakfast" around 4pm and most likely that will include an alcoholic beverage of some sort. how my husband ever put up with me, i'll never know. just thinking on it makes me so grateful for the love he has for me.

i do not miss who i used to be but, i do not regret who i was either. i love the "modified me". i'm still stacie, eccentric, bossy, blatantly honest borderline brutal sometimes, spontaneous, caring...all the good stuff. the bad stuff was all gone the second i heard that cry. i know my limits in life now.

fun things that have come with motherhood: i cry more often, i want to be better, i appreciate more, i have learned to love deeper than i ever have, i smile daily, i have no problem knowing that there is some sort of baby gross on me at all times, all in all..my heart is full.

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." ~Rajneesh

Goals

I have several. Some I feel are fairly attainable. Big, small, silly, important, and of course life changing.

Here is my list

1. Weight loss
2. Healthy Eating
3. Being green
4. Recycling/upcycling
5. Loving deeply
6. Smiling every day
7. Keeping a blog up to date
8. Volunteering
9. Being selfless
10. Empathy
11. Reading more
12. CRAFTING
13. Teaching Christian anything I can
14. Patience
15. Run a 5K
15. Painting
16. Yoga
17. Dance
18. Stand up (taller/louder) about what I believe in
19. Get over my fears
20. Live

Jager Bomb Cupcake

I had a slight idea, googled...found recipes that i hated and didn't think would work before coming up with my own ideas that I liked a lot more =) Not the best picture, I know...
I can't seem to find my camera cord anywhere so this is from my cell phone.

First and foremost, the recipe I developed does not cook out the Jager, so these are definitely not kid friendly or non alcohol drinker friendly.

Another note, when coloring the cupcakes, be sure to use a gel food coloring and not the water based color. the batter will slightly separate and it's not pretty.

USE ACTUAL BUTTER!! I hate margarine and refuse to eat it so I couldn't tell you how it works in these but know that butter makes everything taste better, who cares about the calories and fat, you only live once =)

Line the cupcake pan before hand with the little paper holder guys.




Oven Temp: 350F

Bake Time: 20-25mins (check at 15 min the sugar in the redbull causes the tops to brown easily)

For the Batter:

12 tablespoons of butter softened
1-1 1/2 cups of sugar (depends on your sweet level, I used 1 cup with a sprinkle extra)
3 eggs room temperature
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 cups of flour
2 1/2 teaspoons of baking powder
1/4 tsp of salt
1/3 c of milk
6 ounces of Red Bull (you can use the whole can if you'd like, I did with one batch and those browned a lot faster)
1 ounce Food coloring of your choice, I used yellow.

1. Mix butter and sugar until fluffy
2. Add vanilla and mix
3. Add eggs one at a time and mix well
4. Mix flour, baking powder and salt in a separate bowl.
5. Measure out the red bull and milk together in same cup, give it a little stir (this looks disgusting)
6. Add dry ingredients to the butter, sugar and egg mixture alternating with the red bull and milk until all is mixed together.
7. Bake and keep an eye on them!

For the Frosting

1/2 cup butterr
1 tsp vanilla
2-4 oz of Jager (depending on your taste level)
2-3 cups of powdered sugar
Food coloring of your choice (gel based)

1. In medium bowl, cream the butter and vanilla together
2. Add Jager, mix well
3. Add powdered sugar 1/2 c at at time. Mix well until you have a frosting consistency.
4. Add food coloring and mix well.

To Decorate Cupcakes-

I used two different colors of frosting and was going to attempt to make "flames" but with time constraints and I was seriously done standing I came up with a better idea.

I used the frosting that had more Jager in it to fill the cupcakes. To do this I used Wilton tip #230. You just stick the tip in the cupcake and squeeze some frosting in. I would imagine you could also cut a little hole in the cupcake and fill it that way. The frosting spilled over a bit leaving a dot in the center so I just went ahead and used a star tip and frosted the rest of the cupcake that way with the frosting that had less jager.

It's Been A Hot Minute!!

I haven't updated in forever! Partly because we were mega ghetto with no internet and laziness. Well, since the last entry Chris and I found out we were expecting! Finally after three years of trying and saying screw it, I finally got pregnant. I took a pregnancy test on September 9th, 2009 and it was positive. I was pretty shocked and a little in denial. I had had a false positive once and even then I'm honestly not sure that it was really negative and I was tricking myself into thinking there were two lines there. I went to a clinic about a week or two later and the test there was also positive so it was definitely time for a doctor appointment. I went in and lo and behold there was a navy bean in there with a heartbeat. Chris and I were ridiculously excited! I began taking all of these quizzes and signing up for tons of baby websites to learn about what was going on in there. Chris and I have always wanted a boy but from the beginning we were being told it was a girl by family members and a few friends. I even bought a $30 pee test that said it was a girl. Mid January we found out that the baby was a BOY!!! We're naming him Elias Preston. Elias is after my brother who passed away in 2008. Preston is Christopher's middle name. So hopefully now that I mostly caught people up who read this, I can actually update more and add pictures and all that mess.

A Healthy Lunch

I should have taken an actual picture of what we ate, but that thought occurred to me once we were already eating our lunch. I am set on making Chris and I eat healthier. Last year and some of this year, we went on a vegetarian diet and were vegan where we could afford it. It was really hard for Chris but I'm grateful he did it.

Anyway during a trip to Seattle, I went to the market to buy my favorite pasta from a stand there, who also sells some of the most amazing oils. ( http://www.pappardellespasta.com ). They had a pasta I was really interested in but I had no idea how to cook it. It's the Fanciful Fruit blend. Well today, since we're attempting to be a lot healthier than we are I finally had an idea.



I cooked the pasta to what looked right to me, rinsed it in cold water. I basically did it like I was going to make macaroni salad.

In a bowl I used a cup of yogurt and a pretty big squirt of avocado honey from the farmer's market here. I didn't add anything else, the only thing I would have added would have been a little lemon zest but since the pasta had some lemon noodles I didn't bother.

I tossed that all together and put it in bowls. On top I layered some kiwi fruit, nectarines, black plums, red plums and then topped it off with some pecans.

I was pretty impressed with it and tasted delicious. I was surprised that Chris pretty much ate his whole bowl and was full, or so he claimed.

My favorite part of lunch was, "Where in the hell did all this fruit come from?" Of course, he didn't know that there is always fruit in the refrigerator he just never bends down to take a look. =)

Christopher's 26th

We celebrated with just the two of us, as usual. I decorated the whole house with the help of my friend Megan.

I can't believe I've known Chris for 13 years! We were laughing because, we realized he's spent half of his life with me. I asked him if he was ready to spend a "lifetime" and he said he could stand it. We had sopa, chorizo and potatoes for dinner with tortillas of course. Jager bombs to finish. One thing I've learned is energy drinks shouldn't really had if you know you're going to need to sleep. I was up until 1:30a.m. and waking up every hour. I slept pretty terrible and I had to be at 6:00a.m. It was worth it though, my boy was happy and that's what counts! :)

my sailor

So, for fun, I thought I'd write a little about our lives in the Navy. Mostly his life, I'm just along for the ride. =)

This is a picture of Chris in France, he was participating in a memorial service there. This picture does a few things for me...

Chris is able to travel and see amazing things that without the Navy it would be hard for us to afford. Yes, I am incredibly jealous that I didn't get to see these things as well (i.e., The Louvre, the Mona Lisa and the Eiffel Tower).

Mostly, it puts into perspective that death is real for him. Yes, my husband has a safe job here in America, but in Afghanistan, it's a different story. No, he is not out there fighting in the front lines, but that doesn't mean his base doesn't get bombed/attacked on a daily basis. I know that there are wives who are not as lucky as I was to get phone calls and emails every day that he was there. Those were quite possibly the longest three months of his deployment. There are many things he could not tell me over the phone and still should not tell me, but I could hear it in his voice. I know my husband.

I haven't been a military wife very long and so this is just the beginning. I hear it's supposed to get easier each deployment but I'm not sure it will for me. It's hard being away from someone you've been around for 13 years. I don't know how the other wives deal with it at all. Especially the fact that technically, they are in a war. There is no safe house in war.

p.s. he's the only person i've heard of gaining weight on a deployment too lol :P

Cupcakes

I love to bake. I also love business ventures. I think my new one will be making cupcakes for parties and weddings. There are a lot of kids around here, and living in a navy town I'm more than sure that there are weddings here.

Today I made a favorite of his...cherry chip with cream cheese frosting. I also made little bundt cakes but he ate all of those before I could take a picture.

A Little Bit of History

We met at church. I was 12 and Chris was 13. I couldn't stand him. This kid, I wanted to beat his face in. He didn't stop talking! He was attracted to me from the moment I walked into the room, he says. In time, we became best friends. We did a lot of silly stuff together. Our first little "date" was at a restaurant that is now closed, Ed Debevic's in Phoenix. I think we were 14 and 13, that sounds about right. We took a photo together in the booth. Sadly, my half is missing and this is Chris' half.

Chris walked me home from school every day. He always had my back, through all of my good and bad decisions. I went to his wrestling matches when I could and would be proud of him. I never hugged him after matches though, way too sweaty and smelly.






After a few years and dating the wrong people (he dated my cousin and I had gotten married) we figured out that we belonged together. It was awkward for me at first, I never imagined that I would date Chris in a serious relationship. We went on our first "adult date" to the Arizona Center to the movies and a mexican restaurant we really liked. Of course, another picture of us was taken. I have a slight obsession with picture taking and he hates pictures. Right from the beginning, the boy started asking me to marry him. Every single time the answer was no. There were gorgeous rings, silly rings, 25 cent rings, and even an "engagement penny" that I threw into the fountain in Disneyland. There were adorable proposals and stupid ones. I will write more about those another time. Finally, on June 9, 2006, I said yes.




We had planned this elaborate wedding for the Friday the 13th in October. We wanted a total rockabilly/goth wedding. We're weird kids what can I say? However, on a Monday or so, Chris and I were talking about the wedding and he said to me, "Wanna get married next Saturday?" I said, "What the hell, why not?"

On July 15h, my best friend and I were married in the back of the mexican restaurant we had our first date it. There is a picture of that too in the same photo booth, but I haven't an idea as to where that is. After we got married we went and saw Pirates of the Carribean. Chris and I love to eat and watch movies, that's who we are so we couldn't think of a better way to get married then to do the same thing. As far as I know, we were the first and only wedding in the back of that restaurant, Mi Amigo's at the Arizona Center.

Tomorrow, will be three years we've been married. Ups and Downs, I wouldn't trade it for anything.